It truly only takes a particularly crappy patch of shocking nights where all your baby wants is the boob and even the closeness of bedsharing doesn’t seem close enough for any mother (read me) to start doubting her choices. To start feeling like she must be doing it all wrong.
To start thinking that maybe her baby only sleeps like shit because she hasn’t trained them how to sleep alone.
To feel like she can’t do this and her baby will never sleep for longer than an hour.
If you dare voice these doubts and feelings to anyone, you will likely face a barrage of shitty advice on how to fix ‘bad habits’. They will let you know categorically that YOU have built a rod for your own back and unless you teach that baby to sleep without all the sleep associations (genuine responsive, human comfort) then you can expect your baby to remain a crappy sleeper.
No one in their right mind signs up for endless shitty nights of bugger all sleep if they think they don’t or shouldn’t need to.
So rightly or wrongly, mamas (particularly new mums) buy into the sleep training world.
It was my biggest regret to date.
I know better now so I do better.
And yet the doubts linger and sleep deprivation makes all of my knowledge of normal infant sleep hazy.
So I sit here and remind myself of the norm.
I remind myself that time is fleeting.
I remind myself that he only wakes and nurses this much because he NEEDS me so.
He is not manipulating me. He isn’t using me. He isn’t trying to wear me down.
He will learn to sleep more independently in time.
He needs me so intensely right now and I will continue to meet him at his point of need.
I will not let the shadow of doubts cloud my time with him.
I will not let sleep become my sole focus in life ever again.
I will not waste my precious little energy analysing the whats and whys and feeling frustrated, angry and uncertain.
The only thing that matters right now is that I accept he needs me and I treat us both with the gentleness and kindness we deserve to ride out this weary wave.
We’ll make it together. No training required. 💙😴😩
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