Today, is the first time in months I have cried and felt just plain sorry for me.
I don’t want to mum.
I don’t want to give one more ‘cuggle’.
I don’t want to handle any more whining or tantrums.
I’m sick of having someone clinging to my leg and someone else calling out, ‘mama’ for the 300 billionth time today.
I’m sick of nappies and chasing muscly little bodies as the twist and struggle while I try to change them.
I’m sick of waking up tired.
I’m sick of being woken up.
I’m sick of breastfeeding.
I’m sick of the dumb fucking Mirena that has given me nothing but hell for 12 months and now has added horrendous hormone headaches and the periods from hell to its crappy repertoire of non stop spotting and breakthrough bleeding..
I dream of my old life before kids.
I dream of running away.
I’ve been mentally planning a ‘Girl’s weekend’ in my head all morning even though none of my girlfriends will be able to attend for the next 5-10 years with the way we seem to be multiplying like rabbits.
I sat and cried while I held my two precious babes and felt the weight of the world so squarely on my shoulders that it ached.
My two year old saw my tears and as he wiped them away, he said, ‘ are you okay, mama? Why you crying? Do you need me to hug you tighter?’
He then squeezed me tight and comforted his mama.
He then pipes up and says, ‘I know mama, you need a Nana cuggle, she’ll help you feel better, she your mummy, mama.’
And just like that, my bitter pity party tears slipped away and instead gave way to gratefulness and love.
I am so done today but when I tried to think of one thing I’d like to change, the only thing that came to mind was that I desperately needed a break to catch my breath.
I LOVE being a mum.
I LOVE being able to cuddle my babies and soothe their woes.
I LOVE watching my babies grow and learn and I know that whining and tantrums are part of finding their sense of self and working through their emotions.
I LOVE that my babies know they can depend on me and I LOVE being called, ‘mama’.
I LOVE that twisting, active energiser bunny who is so busy he can’t fathom why he must stop for menial tasks like nappy changes or eating.
I LOVE knowing my baby’s needs are met at night.
I am not ready to stop bedsharing or interested in night weaning.
I LOVE having the privilege of being able to nurse my baby and I know a lot of my aversion is due to hormones that are out of whack.
I LOVE that the Mirena has prevented me from getting pregnant but I’m so relieved I am getting it out.
I dream of my old life before kids but can’t imagine life without them.
I dream of running away but only for an hour or two.
I dream of my girl’s weekend and I know it will come all too soon in the grand scheme of things.
I am happy and sad.
Grateful and used up
Fulfilled and unfulfilled
Complete and incomplete
Simple and complex.
I am a whole person and what I can give is ENOUGH.
I am a mother and woman in my own right.
I have limits that get exceeded and sometimes being enough is too much.
Today, I need to find me.
I am enough.
I can do hard things but I may need support to do them.
I am enough, even when it’s all too much.
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