While putting my darling toddler to bed tonight after a very trying day, I lay there and reflected again on what we’ve been through together and what a joy and delight he is in my life. I didn’t always find joy and delight in him though.
At my lowest, one thought kept swirling through my head, ‘I just want to be able to enjoy my baby.’ I desperately wanted to enjoy him but I could not fathom how I could possibly enjoy him unless he started to sleep.
I battled on desperately trying to achieve the unachievable… To make him sleep like a ‘normal’ baby. I continued to fail. I almost started to grieve the fact that I would never get to enjoy my baby.
It is so hard for me to think back on that time without getting a little frustrated with myself. The answer was right there in front of me all along. But I couldn’t see it.
The answer was to simply start enjoying my baby.
Enjoy the baby I had in all his glory.
Enjoy his intricacies, his uniqueness, his human weaknesses, his heavenly strengths.
The only thing holding me back from enjoying my baby was my head. My heart had been there from day one but my head.
That damn head.
So full of overthinking, so full of SHOULDS and SHOULDN’TS.
So full of worry, anxiety and fear.
My head that didn’t know who to listen to and who not.
The head that desperately pawed through sleep training books and forums looking for answers. Magical fixes.
It robbed me of a good 6 months of simply enjoying my baby.
This baby who is now the most delightful, engaging, gentle soul.
It’s hard to imagine or recall how I ever could not have enjoyed him.
My darling first born.
He taught me how to mother. 💙
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