As many of you would have gathered, I take this mothering gig very seriously and strongly believe that ‘giving a shit’ about the important stuff is absolutely essential. However, I do believe there is also a lot of peripheral ‘shit’ that is simply not worthy of our time, effort or brain space. Here are some things I seriously don’t give a shit about … Some I used to care about, some I used to obsess about, some barely entered my radar…
1. Duration of day naps
• Seriously, who gives a shit. I used to. Back when I was sucked into the vortex of trying to make my baby sleep the ‘required’ amount of sleep in chunks that are seen as essential to get quality of sleep but also to give mum a good break I absolutely DID give a shit, and you know what I got for all hours, days, weeks and months of obsessing and dedication to the cause? I got to go bat shit crazy, I got angry, I got frustrated, I got disappointed, I got tired. I most certainly did not get a baby who said, ‘oh, ok mum, sleep time is it? Rightio, well just time it right, tuck me in, shush me a little and I’ll drift off and give you 2 hours to yourself.’ Was it worth my time, effort or brain space? Hell no! With this baby, I seriously couldn’t give a shit. I get him down when he’s tired. If he wakes after 20-40 mins who actually cares? He sure as shit doesn’t. I have a toddler to get around with so even thinking of trying to resettle is limited to the baby’s lunchtime nap (if he has one) while the toddler is sleeping, sometimes I can sneak a boob in and get the baby to give me a good long snooze, other times he happily sucks away and finishes with a big milk dribbly grin that says, ‘nice one sucker!’ Some times he’s a bit grizzly and probably could have done with a bit more sleep, once again, who cares? I simply get him back to sleep a bit later when he’s good and ready. Oh, but don’t I know that ‘sleep breeds sleep’? Um, yeah. I’ve heard that one many times and actually it’s complete and utter horseshit. Maybe, some babies do sleep a bit better if they have these whopping great day naps but there are many babies who sleep perfectly well at night who run on catnaps and kips through the day. Some of these catnapping/ kipping kids do sleep like shit at night too, but you know what, it’s got sweet bugger all to do with the days. They are who they are. My two are a total mixed bag right now and I see absolutely zero correlation between ratty days and ratty nights vs good days and good nights. They like to mix it up to keep me on my toes.
• One thing I simply can’t get to the ‘I don’t give a shit’ stage with is waking a sleeping baby! It seriously upsets me. Big shout out to all those mamas doing daily school runs and having to disturb sleeping kids! What a freaking nightmare!
2. How baby gets to sleep or back to sleep
• Cuddles, carrier, boob, pram, car whatever works, I’ll do it. Getting a baby the sleep they need in the way that works best for them is all I give a shit about. How I do it, I could not give a shit. Is it always convenient? No. Do I sometimes wish my babies would just be popped down and drift off peacefully? Sometimes (although I know I’d actually miss the cuddles most of time). But babies aren’t here to be convenient. They are little people, with busy minds and an intense need for comfort. I sometimes struggle to get to sleep first up at night, or after I’ve ducked to the loo and for me day sleeps are extremely hit and miss. Sometimes, I am awake for hours, tossing, turning, feeling frustrated about the fact I should be asleep. Sometimes, sleep doesn’t come easily to me. And yet, we expect total consistency from our little ones … If they take too long, or fuss about or ask for extra help to get to sleep, we so often feel cranky with them. Particularly if you feel like you’ve given all that you have to give. But they aren’t doing it to drive us bat shit crazy. They are having trouble. They are human. Give them the help they need to get the rest they need. It’s that simple. I don’t give a shit how.
3. How often my baby feeds- day/ night
• Yeah, so, I can’t actually tell you an answer to this as it varies so much day to day, night to night. And you know what? I don’t give a shit because this is exactly as nature intended. A breastfed baby feeds/ nurses in an erratic fashion because it meets virtually every need they have, from nutrition to comfort, to sensory input, to immune building and many more. This can not be timed or timetabled and nor should it be. Who actually gives a shit that my baby who went 5 hours yesterday with out nursing wanted boob 3 times in an hour this morning? Certainly not I.
4. Where I feed
• I feed/ nurse wherever and whenever my baby needs. I don’t give a shit where this may be. Home, bed, park, shop, church, pub, café, playgroup, beach, train … Wherever. Whenever.
5. Having a spotless house
• I do cheat this one a bit because I got myself a cleaner (seriously a life changer if you can afford one, get one!!)
• Despite having a cleaner, there is still the endless day to day cleaning and tidying you have in any house with two adults, a toddler, a baby and a big hairy bugger of a dog. There’s always loads of washing, dishwasher to stack or unstack, plastics that won’t go through the dishwasher, tidying after a never ending snacking and playing toddler, sweeping up dog hair of a dog who seems to be malting year round etc etc. There was a time where I would not have dreamt of having people around to visit or for a meal unless I had my house in order … Now, they’re lucky if they can find my sink and you know what, I actually don’t give a shit. My friends and family know and love me anyway and anyone else, I couldn’t care less. My house will be clean and tidy again one day … Probably when the boys leave home.
• Yeah, I seriously don’t give a shit on this one. My husband and I are healthy people. We have a healthy lifestyle and diet. Having said that, we both love our food. Sometimes the food we eat isn’t exactly top of the line healthy. Sometimes it’s downright naughty but you know what, we aren’t big people because we out weigh the bad with the good and we have a healthy attitude towards food and eating. Since we are a family who embraced Baby Led Weaning, my toddler’s diet very closely resembles our own (sans wine and coffee). I was very conscious of his salt and sugar intake prior to turning one and to an extent I monitor it now but mostly, we just eat. My little Grubby Bubby will soon be joining us for meals and fingers crossed he is a cruisy little eater too.
7. How much or what my toddler chooses to eat in any one sitting
• This one is one I was surprised to find my self almost alone on with my family and friends. I have fully embraced the idea that it is my job as mother to provide my children with food and it is their job to eat it. This idea sits particularly well as a breastfeeding mother, as up until the introduction of solids, I had trusted my baby to control the when and how much side of eating so why would I stop trusting him now?!? Sometimes my first guy ate a lot in a sitting, sometimes he ate bugger all. Sometimes he became obsessed with one type of food and refused all others. I just kept putting a range of food on his plate and he decided what he would eat and how much. I refuse to buy into mealtime battles. My babies don’t HAVE to eat anything. I will not bargain and I will not threaten. I refuse to give a shit about something beyond my control. I know sometimes there are other issues at play here and I have been very lucky to have not had to face an underweight child or one with many aversions, however, I would hope that even if I did, we could find a way to allow the child to still control their food intake because after all, listening to your own body is a key part of learning to eat what you need to be satisfied as opposed to an empty plate.
8. Toilet training
• Of course, we will have to do it but I’m just not into it being a battle. I don’t give enough of a shit. I’ve been told that when your toddler is ready, it will be easy so call me lazy, but I’m waiting for the easy! We do all the lead up groundwork everyday but currently my guy is simply not ready. He’ll get there though and in the meantime, I refuse to stress about it.
Looking back on this list, I am relieved to know this is not where my head is at. As a mum it can be so easy to get bogged down in the nitty gritty. Hard to decipher the things that warrant our time, energy and head space. It is okay to let some things wash. Working out what is actually important and also what is within my control was a big part of my surrender. It’s liberating to simply not give a shit sometimes.
What have I missed that you’d add to this list?
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