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The ‘good girl, people-pleaser’ who went down the sleep training path

I was talking with a dear friend this morning about how she isn’t sure why she never really felt compelled to follow the Sleep Training norm because quite simply, it felt wrong. I admire her for this so much and it really made me think, what was so different for me? Why didn’t I feel confident enough to simply go, ‘yeah, nah, that doesn’t feel right,’ end of story?!? 

I think I’ve found my answer in two parts …

1. I experienced Sleep or the lack thereof on a WHOLE other level to this friend. She had a baby who slept like a baby- a relatively cruisy, in the range of ‘normal’ baby. She did not face the same frequency or fervour or insistence to sleep train that I faced as the mother of an extremely wakeful baby who ended up suffering from PND. She was vulnerable to the pressure as any tired new mother is, but I was VULNERABLE and primed for the taking as the severely and chronically sleep deprived new mother.

2. The second part though, is worthy of consideration. I have to accept personal responsibility for the fact that I have always been what I refer to as a, ‘good girl, people-pleaser’. I have always sought and longed for approval. I hated to disappoint people. I hated being less than perfect in anyone’s eyes and as an over-achieving perfectionist, parenting has by far been my biggest lesson in the difference between doing things by the book and ‘right’ by standards set by others versus doing things ‘right’ by your baby and your family.

This Good Girl hated to be scolded. So scolding after scolding by those I trusted for advice on my baby’s sleep, slowly whittled me away. Whittled my confidence in myself and belief in my baby’s ability to communicate with me. This People Pleaser, no matter how hard she tried, simply COULDN’T get that baby of hers to sleep the way she was told he needed to sleep.

Each shake of the head, each ‘you really need to try harder’, ‘if you just try this and stick with it…’ ate away at me.

I wasn’t a ‘good’ mother in the eyes of these people. Not that they thought I was bad as such but certainly not the ‘good’ they aimed to train mothers to be. There was no pleasure in their eyes upon hearing I still fed my baby to sleep. There was no pleasure upon hearing how dedicated I was to meeting my baby’s night time needs.

These things were not seen as good nor pleasing.

This was uncharted territory and one I did not feel comfortable with at all.

By contrast, my dear friend is very self confident and no where near as susceptible to pressure that goes against her grain. Her traits have helped her find her feet as a parent in a much less complicated way and I admire her greatly for it.

I don’t regret where I’ve been though. Both of these key parts in the equation have completely changed my way of being and I’ll be forever grateful for that. My personal growth has seen a monumental shift in the way I see myself and the role I allow others to have in how I see myself.

I no longer crave approval.

I know who I am and what feels right for me and my family and I while I seek connection with others, I no longer feel the need to try to live up to anyone else’s expectations of me.

It feels good no longer seeking to please those around me while shrinking my true self to make sure no one else’s feathers are ruffled.

Mothering these sensational humans has been a privilege and the lessons I have learned have helped make me a stronger, truer and more confident person within myself.

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What ‘permission to let things slide’ looks like in reality

Motherhood hit me like a sledgehammer.  

A love filled, cute as a button, wouldn’t change it for the world kind of baptism of fire.

With our incredibly high needs baby on song from the moment he was born, we didn’t even have the grace of the ‘sleepy newborn’ phase to allow us to get our breath or momentarily lull us into a false sense of security, that yeah, we could rock this parenting caper without so much as a hair out of place.

Our baby needed us SOOOOO intensely; it was stifling.

We weren’t deluded (okay, maybe we were), we knew having a baby would be life changing. We knew a newborn required a hell of a lot of care. We knew we would need to deal with sleep deprivation BUT in our deluded pre-baby state, we also thought all babies slept. We thought all babies went down in their cots to sleep and once they were asleep, they’d stay that way unless they were hungry or no longer tired. We thought that as long as we responded promptly to our baby, he’d rarely cry …how wrong we were.

Initially, we surrendered quite well to it, thinking things would calm down. But when they didn’t, the doubts crept in and grew ever stronger as they were fuelled by advice that started seeping in from every angle. We began to fight against our baby and his intense needs. We could no longer simply accept that he just needed us so, now we had to battle our way through sleep associations, wants versus needs, manipulation and being too fussy, too demanding and too wakeful to get to OUR baby.

We were desperately unhappy, desperately unsatisfied and desperate to ‘fix’ our baby so we could resume life.

We were swimming against the tide.

Thankfully, after a six-month battle, our sweet surrender came, and it changed my whole way of being.

I had heard many times that it was okay just to let things slide when you have a new baby.

I think in my head though, I had placed conditions on when this would be okay and for how long. I think I accepted that I might need help with a newborn while I recovered from birth but I must have decided that after that I ‘should’ have been able to stay on top of things (with maybe the exception of when I had a sick baby).

This unrealistic expectation I had arbitrarily set for myself, severely affected my sense of self, my mood, my confidence and ultimately, my relationship with my baby (after all, if he weren’t so demanding, I would have finished the laundry …).

A part of finding my surrender was acknowledging that permission to let things slide extends to however long it takes for you to be getting through your day easily enough to let some of it back in.

For me, I had my second baby just 20 months after my first, and a high needs baby coupled with pregnancy, then combined with new baby has meant that it is literally only now … Three years on that I am letting some of it back in.

The fog started to lift a little while back and slowly, but surely I am feeling more ‘normal’, more on top of things and not as desperately in need of rest as I was.

I know not everything can slide, and I can guarantee you, not everything did … the actual essential things were always seen to, and we lived fulfilling days, BUT I knew I had permission to choose rest over chores and rest over outings whenever I needed, and I needed it a lot for a very long time.

I am not ashamed of this, and I do not feel guilty or lazy or any of the things society may expect that I feel.

While some things did slide, my core business was my A game.

Raising my babies, meeting them at their point of need both day and night, nurturing and savouring them, keeping me well, keeping me rested… I can confidently say, I have been getting THIS done.

I am raising whole humans. I am wiring tiny, new brains with my gentle, loving tenderness and time.

The chores won’t be missing my time, love or comfort; my energies are going to exactly the right place.

If you could but measure the value of simply ‘being there’ for our babies, I firmly believe we as a society would stop fighting so hard to get away. Some days it feels like you have been able to achieve the grand total of zero, but truly, being your baby’s whole world … that is more than enough work for one day.

Every minute spent holding, comforting, nursing, nurturing, soothing and being present with your child is of infinite value to that small being in your arms, your family, your community and the world. Time spent on our babies is never time wasted.

So, you have permission to let all those other sideline things slide for as long as it takes for you to feel they fit back in without you having to sacrifice your sanity, your rest or your baby’s needs.

You’ve got this mama x

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Lessons my babies have taught me- if it’s hard for me, it’s even harder on them

Empathy.  

I am an empathetic person. Some may even say I am too empathetic (if there is such a thing).  
Empathy comes to me naturally and without much prompting, or so I thought until my babies taught me a thing or two about myself.  
You see, society has done a damn good job of removing a certain ‘relatability’ from our relationship with our babies.  
It’s almost like in the quest to push our babies towards independence, we have lost sight of the whole person underneath. The push to sleep independently, play independently, eat independently, dress and toilet independently; it all seems to consume so much of what we see in our babies, for good or bad.  
We view and form opinions of our own experience with our child based on how they make us feel or the demands they place on us, the parent.  
I got caught in the crush with my first baby and his whole being was minimised down to his ability/ inability to sleep without enormous input from me.  
For the longest time, my conversations and thoughts centred around how tired I was, how over it I was, how frustrated I was, and how sorry I felt for myself being stuck in this shitty situation with this baby who would not let up.  
Poor me. Pity me. Hard done by me.

For an empathetic person, I was pretty bad at seeing past my own nose to look at my beautiful baby who was struggling ever so much to find and maintain sleep.  
It may have been the hardest most relentless time in my life but he wasn’t doing it for kicks and he certainly wasn’t doing it to make me suffer. He wasn’t out to get me. He simply needed me. All of me and then some.  
He was a whole person and his experience and his feelings about it all were just as valid and just as important as my own and as the completely dependent person who was only months into life on this earth, HE deserved every ounce of empathy and understanding he could get.  
I came to this realisation eventually and life with an intense, high needs baby became ever so much more enjoyable once I could see HIM.  
All of him. The good, the bad, the easy, the hard, the beauty, the challenges… all of him. 
The whole person, worthy of being treated as such.  

My second baby, is currently a teething mess. I have never before encountered such horrific looking gums as he has right now as he simultaneously erupts molars and canines.  
I had an appointment this morning and the lady asked me how the boys are and I explained that the littlest is really not himself with his mouth so sore.  
Her response took me aback a little, ‘oh poor you, I bet you’re not sleeping then. God, I hate teething babies. Right pains in the arse they are. Fingers crossed they are through soon so you can get some rest.’ 
You see, she’s full of empathy … for me. She can relate to me, the mother, but heaven forbid she show an ounce of compassion for the poor wee soul who is living this painful struggle day in, night out right now … my baby.  
Yes, I am freaking exhausted. Yes, I do hope they come through quickly so I can rest, BUT more importantly, I want them through so HE can rest without this horrible pain. I want him to get back to his cheerful self, without this terribly sore mouth pulling him up short and dampening his day.  
HE deserves every ounce of empathy I can muster. This isn’t all about me and how I’m suffering (although sending your sympathy is fine, provided it’s not dissing my baby).  

My babies have taught me the importance of seeing the whole.

The saying, ‘your baby isn’t giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time’, has been a real game changer for me.  
Sure, I am still often having a hard time along with them but this is not due to some deliberate act of my child. They aren’t malicious and they aren’t manipulative. They are babies being babies and kids being kids. Their babyish or childish nature is not an act against me.  
The challenges they face as they grow and develop at a phenomenal rate, would have us desperately tied up in knots even as adults. It is hard on them and they are just as entitled as you or I to voice and show their feelings.  
For goodness sake, the last time I had a toothache, I was as cantankerous as an ogre!

If you are finding you are caught up in your own adult struggle with your kids, do the whole family a favour and focus on finding a way to empathise and connect with them as whole people. You’ll all feel better for it. The tough times are so much easier to take when you don’t feel like the helpless victim in it all.

Our perfectly imperfect little people deserve our respect, understanding and empathy.
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All I have gained by ‘giving in’

My big baby will be three in less than a month and I know how cliché it is to say I can’t believe how much he has grown and how far we have come but for me, it truly does blow my mind.  

For the last few months, a miracle has occurred on a nightly basis- my big guy has happily snuggled in with his dad and gone to sleep. I know right … miracles do happen.
Yeah, okay, I can hear many a sneer of, ‘wow, your almost three year old still needs his dad to go to sleep.’
But, if you thought this, then you have no idea of the ride we’ve been on and also haven’t gained all we have gained from the process, so bare with me while I share some of the beauty of this with you.
My guy was an extraordinarily high needs baby and I have written of the tumultuous first few months of life as a new family in many articles. We followed in the footsteps of many who have walked the sleep training path and despite our deep commitment, persistence and consistency (which in hindsight bordered on obsessive lunacy), we failed. Our baby did not comply. He resisted all attempts and life was a living, sleepless hell. Nobody slept while we sleep trained. Not me, not my husband, not our poor dog and most certainly not my poor exhausted, desperately helpless baby.

Our failure lead us down an even darker road with me plunging into the depths of Post Natal Depression. I was so very unwell. I saw no light. I saw no joy. I saw no end to this sleepless torture. I saw myself as a terrible mother. I thought I was too weak and useless to be able to meet the needs of my baby. I was sure they were right, all the times I was told that if I couldn’t withstand his will at this age, what kind of hope did I stand when he was a toddler or heaven forbid a teenager!

I dreamed of running away. I thought on numerous occasions my baby would be better off if I just left.  
Why couldn’t I get this baby the sleep he needed? 
Why couldn’t I get this right? 
Everyone seemed to know that you just had to Feed Play Sleep.  
Everyone seemed to know if you just taught your baby to self soothe, they’d sleep.  
Everyone seemed to know that it was because I’d rocked my baby, nursed him to sleep, been unsuccessful at putting him in his cot and hadn’t taught him to sleep alone, that it was all MY fault. He only slept like crap because I had developed such bad sleep habits, associations, crutches … whatever you want to call it.  
My baby was a ‘bad’ baby. He was ‘naughty’ for not letting his mother sleep.  
Everyone pitied me and my weariness.  
They all wished and willed it to end and that my baby would somehow miraculously become the sleepy baby he wasn’t.  
What an absolute pack of failures, outcasts and a cautionary tale of what not to do with your baby.

Life was ugly.

But then, something gave.

I gave it all in.

I surrendered. Hands in air, do whatever. I was so done trying to get it right. I was so done hating motherhood. I was so done with people not seeing my baby for anything other than his ability/ inability to sleep the way he ‘should’.

I went back to every bad habit there was.  
Anything, as long as I didn’t have to hear him cry.  
I fed him to sleep and held him for every nap.  
I rocked with him in the chair and held him tight if boob didn’t work.  
I brought him to my bed after his first wake up at night.  
I never ever resettled him in any way other than boob again.  
I threw away the clock in our room and stopped counting wake ups.  
I sang, soothed, comforted, nursed, snuggled, breathed in and savoured every inch of my baby’s being.  

I gained and regained my world.

I was happy though I was tired.  
My heart sang while my eyes sagged.  
I found peace of mind while exhausted right through to my weary bones.  

My baby gained and regained his world.

He was happy and well rested.  
His heart was full and never in doubt.  
He found peaceful slumber though his body still challenged him daily.  

I have gained an inner strength, faith and confidence in myself that only stems from having lived through a truly life changing experience.  
The same way people gain discipline and strength through taking vows of silence or abstinence, I gained it through a vow to be constant, to show up no matter what.  

It hurt and it tested me. I thought at times I could not go on. I doubted myself and my baby again and again and still, I kept going.  

And my faith and my vow to be constant has meant that I have gained more from this time in my life than I ever dreamed possible.  

    The hours spent with that baby in my arms, at my breast, rocking, singing, humming, holding, cuddling and loving. The months. The years.

    Time.

    An enormous investment and enormous commitment.


    It was interpreted by others at times to be the behaviour of a martyr or at least that I was being selfless and at the mercy of my child.

    But from the inside, it was as much for me as it was for him.
    We needed each other. He needed me in the whole sense of a dependent, deeply feeling, highly sensitive new human. I needed him to teach me things about myself I never knew were there.

    The fact that this intense sweet man, is now finally in a place where he can comfortably find sleep with his dad is momentous.
    It is an enormous source of joy for his dad, who has longed to be able to comfort him at night and has remained ever patient through nearly three years of rejection.
    It is an enormous milestone for me, to know he has reached a new level of comfort and dare I say it, independence from me and this make my heart swell with pride while also ache with memories of what was.

    He’s nearly done with day sleeps and only ever drops off when exhausted in the car now, no more sleepy nap snuggles.

    He’s in bed and asleep with daddy before I’m done settling his brother at night, no more bedtime snuggles for the most part.

    He still sneaks in to his little mattress next to our bed during the night though and reaches out to hold his mama’s hand and I cherish this little gesture as I celebrate and reflect on all that has been on our unconventional sleep journey.

    All the cuddles and all the settles seemed ever so intense and overwhelming while I was in the thick of it all. But here I am, poking my head out the other side with tears streaming down my face wondering where has the time gone.

    I will never regret giving in.
    All I have gained is the riches of the deepest most constant love there is.
    It is an honour and privilege to be his mother.

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    Why following your instincts is even more challenging if your baby has high end needs

    Why following your instincts is even more challenging if your baby has high end needs

    Honouring your instincts and mothering the way that feels right for you is extremely challenging in today’s society that values styles of parenting that are very ‘textbook’ and focus heavily on setting boundaries, routines and limits on responsiveness right from the very early days of a baby’s life. Anyone who has opted to follow their baby’s lead when it comes to nursing and sleep will tell you it can be a lonely path to take and it is hard not to doubt yourself and your baby as you make your way through this season in life with all the twists, turns and challenges it naturally takes. I’d like shed some light on a subgroup of mothers who face even heavier challenges … the mother of the high end needs baby.  


    I was just at the park with my kids and I was standing with a group of mums when one mum asked the other if she was getting any more sleep as she’d looked shattered the previous day. The mum says, ‘oh my gosh, I’m just so exhausted! My little guy (about 6 months) has started waking twice overnight and my big guy woke for a drink and has done for a few nights in a row. The baby seems hungry but oh my god, I’m exhausted!’

    Now I’m not claiming she wasn’t exhausted. In her experience, she most likely is.

    But, I swear to god, if I’d heard that same conversation a couple of years ago while I mothered my first high needs baby, I would have-

    a. Wanted to slap her across the face
    b. Burst into tears and shaken her while I screamed, ‘exhausted? I’ll show you f#%^ing exhausted!’ then run away and gone home with my little sleep thief feeling even more shit and alone because no one else seemed to get it.
    c. Or most likely, just walked away with my baby quickly to hide my tears and gone home feeling desperately alone.

    Now, I realise that most people who already follow their baby’s sleep lead would know that 2 wake ups a night at 6 months freaking rocks and is absolutely normal BUT for the mother who is following her wakeful little firecracker’s lead, two wake ups can sound like the ultimate luxurious dream as she wakes for the 6+ time that night.

    It’s not just that it’s hard for this mother to feel as though she is understood (because let’s face it, she’s largely not), what’s even harder is for this mother to be able to keep any faith in herself and her baby and what they are doing as a pair when everyone around them seems to experience this infant sleep business in such a different way.

    Why can’t my baby sleep like that? Why does my baby wake so excessively? Is there something wrong with them? Have I created this mess? Maybe it’s because I breastfeed to sleep? Maybe I do have to teach my baby to self soothe so they can link sleep cycles? Maybe it’s because I’m drinking a coffee a day now? Maybe it’s because I am misunderstanding my baby’s early sleep cues and missing their window? Maybe it’s because I let my baby catnap during the day? Maybe I need to start solids? Maybe a bedtime bottle of formula? Maybe it’s because we bedshare? Maybe I should try the cot again?

    I can safely say as a person on the outside who once lived inside this confusing, disheartening, sleep deprived, muddled haze, that provided your baby has been checked out for any underlying health issues that may be exacerbating their normal wakeful behaviour, you have not done a single thing to cause this waking. Your little person just happens to have an intense need for parenting both day and night. It is normal for a baby to wake and nurse back to sleep frequently at night. It is physiologically impossible for an infant or toddler to soothe themselves from a place of distress and therefore, self soothing is not something you can teach your baby.

    This may feel like cold comfort to the mother in the thick of living and loving their high needs person but I can tell you now, the first time I heard this, I felt like an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders …

    It was no longer MY fault.

    It was no longer my BABY’s fault.

    And, it felt almost heavenly to know I was not alone.

    And still, the weight would grow heavier and heavier and heavier over time as the relentless waking, the relentless weariness, the relentless need for comfort day after night after day after day after night …

    I would cycle through patches of extreme vulnerability so frequently and all of the beauty that a gentler approach to parenting would become tainted by my exhaustion. The questions and doubts would creep on in and heaven forbid I showed it to anyone for I’d be swooped on by pitying faces and sleep training promises and told my baby was manipulating me and all about the good old rod I’d created and how abnormal he was and how unnecessary breastfeeding at night was.

    It may be seen as super judgemental for a gentle parent to propose that maybe a mainstream parenting technique like sleep training is inappropriate but my goodness, in my experience it’s a bloody free for all when it comes to advice coming from the other way.

    My gentle ways that felt so right even if I was shattered and brought my baby so much comfort were routinely ripped to shreds which in effect, ripped me and my extraordinary efforts to shreds, too. Society held so little value for the huge amount of blood, sweat and tears I poured into that baby of mine. I was treated as though I was a bit crazy, a bit of an alternative hippy and once people learned of my complete distaste for sleep training (even if they knew what we had gone through), they so often gave me that pitiful shrug and head tilt, of ‘oh well, if you aren’t willing to do it then I guess you’ll just have to stay tired.’

    So little empathy.

    No true understanding.

    It was a truly lonely journey.

    I had to cling to little things to get me through. I had to tell myself and my baby frequently that we were a team and we’d get through this together. Posts on The Milk Meg that normalised night waking and boobin all night became a lifeline. Pinky McKay’s reassuring articles about breastfeeding and soothing a baby to sleep helped me gain more confidence in why it felt right to help my baby so. The 12 Features of the High Needs Baby by Dr William Sears saw me in tears … for the first time, someone seemed to ‘get’ my baby. Evolutionary Parenting and Sarah Ockwell Smith helped me better understand why sleep training is not something any baby needs but why it is so popular. I found the amazing books Sweet Sleep by La Leche League and The Discontented Little Baby Book by Dr Pamela Douglas and learned so much about normal infant sleep patterns.

    I looked, learned and reached out and you know what I found in all of this … I was so far from alone.

    My baby was not a freak.

    And I most certainly was not the only mother sitting by herself crying over the fact that her friends thought that 2 wake ups at night was something they’d call a ‘bad night’.

    To those who have less intense little people, I know how many times you would have experienced doubt and worry on your gentle journey but I ask you to really think of those mothers in both your real and virtual communities who have an extra added layer of ‘hard’ that they are battling through and take time to show them you see them and their incredible efforts and the way they continue on despite the heavy weight of societal pressure telling them they are wrong every chance it gets.

    Next time you read a, ‘I never wanted to sleep train but I honestly can’t do this anymore!’ plea, please, I beg you to stop, reflect and then respond. The whole, ‘I could never do that, how could you consider…’ comments are by far the worst.

    Talk with this mama. Fill her confidence in mothering with her instincts back up. She needs you to have her back when she’s vulnerable. She needs to know she can do this incredibly hard thing but may need to ask help to keep doing it. She needs your practical help and a little empathy never went astray.

    To those mamas with intense little ones, I salute you. You are the unsung heroes of the mothering world and your wee one will forever benefit from the incredible commitment of love, time and patience you have given them. Your efforts are not in vain. You are doing incredibly important work, never doubt it.

     I sincerely hope to see the day where it is normal to nurture your baby and meet them at their point of need regardless of how intense those needs may be. Until then, I will continue to speak of the biological norm and shine a light on the wonderful work being done by gentle mothers the world over that deserves to be revered instead of ridiculed.

    I dream of the day we can say we have truly moved beyond the sleep training culture.

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    NEWSFLASH- my second baby doesn’t ‘have’ to be easy

    NEWSFLASH- my second baby doesn’t ‘have’ to be easy

    There are so many things that people say to you when you become a first time mum. They are almost like catch phrases. They get thrown out there without a second thought about how they sound to this brand new mama and how they might make her feel or seeds of doubt they may plant. Top of the list would have to be, ‘Is baby sleeping through yet?’ Swiftly followed by, ‘Is he a good baby?’

    When you have your second baby though (and I imagine it would be similar for each baby after that) the popular comments upon hearing my new guy is a relatively cruisey dude are, ‘well he HAS to be easier being second, you don’t have all that time you had with your first.’ And ‘he’s so much more relaxed because you are so relaxed.’

    Excuse me if I call horseshit to both.


    Yes, a baby does feed off maternal stress. Yes, the more you relax the more relaxed your baby will be.

    This does not mean that my extraordinarily high needs baby was ever going to be anything like one of those ‘cool as a cucumber, I’ll just fall asleep on my play mat or just put me in my cot and walk away, I’ve got this shit sorted’ kind of kids.

    He couldn’t be like that because HE himself (that’s right, he’s a whole unique human) is not like that.

    He did relax a lot more and became the most chilled out version of himself when I switched off to all of noise about what I SHOULD be doing to manage my high needs man. He still woke a shitload, fussed when put down and startled ever so easily but when he knew that a boob would appear or warm arms would pick him up and a soothing voice would reassure him each and every time he needed (50 000 times a day and night) he was a calmer more serene version of himself.

    If he’d been my second, third, fourth or eleventh child, his intense needs would have been the same and to find his calm, he would have needed all the hands on loving he needed as my first.

    My second little dear is very different to his brother. He embraced the sleepy newborn stage (a stage we didn’t know existed with our first). He hardly ever startled. He was quite relaxed with lights and sounds, he gave me more than a two second warning when he was hungry, being overtired wasn’t greeted with hysteria. He didn’t cry and cry and cry for what seemed like no reason at all like our first baby did.

    He is his own person. I did not do anything to make him more cruisey although following his cues has meant that he has never felt he hasn’t been heard. He is who he is.
    Also, a large part of this ‘easier’ and ‘more relaxed’ in our case was actually bound to happen. Even if we’d had another high needs baby, we were better equipped with knowledge of normal infant behaviours particularly around sleep and sleep deprivation was no longer a great fear of mine as I knew it to the very deepest level of my core and whilst not my favourite place to be, I know I can survive it and it does pass. So in all honesty, in our case, any baby was probably going to be ‘easier’ and we had already become super relaxed with our first so naturally this would continue with our second. It all depends on perspective. What we call ‘easy’ may be another family’s ‘hard’. Our second babe while having nothing on number one, behaves and therefore sleeps like a baby. He goes through patches of frequent night waking, he nurses all night long some nights, he catnaps during the day and can be very hard to settle. He’s no unicorn but he is less stressed by life in general. He’s ‘easy’ in comparison.

    It is so much easier to be that calm, relaxed, ‘I have this shit sorted’ kind of mother when you have a cruisey baby.

    If you’ve only ever had a cruisey ‘easy’ babes and have happily been patting yourself on your back for everything you’ve done right and looked on smugly as other mothers stress and worry about their needy little people thinking the only true difference between yours and their experience is that you remained relaxed and your baby has some amazing routine then I ask you to keep these thoughts to yourself. You are entitled to your delusion but you can seriously back off those other mothers you look at and wonder why she can’t see the error in her ways. You don’t have a clue.
    When I say this, please know I do appreciate the huge amount of hard work that goes into raising any child – be they on the easier or harder side and I also know first hand from my own attempts to establish and maintain a routine, it can be extraordinarily difficult. So if you are reading this thinking that I have no clue and that your baby really is only ‘easy’ due to your efforts I ask you, no beg you to imagine for just one moment all that hard work, heart ache and determination you put in with a ‘successful’ outcome happening all over again but instead of success your baby continues to wake every 20-40 mins. Continues to cry incessantly unless in your arms. Continues to need every last ounce of your energy  regardless of your commitment and hard work. That is what I’m talking about here. 
    So, I think what gets on my goat most about these questions is that they once again imply that I was the cause of the problems we experienced first time around. Like if only I’d been more relaxed or less responsive (like apparently you are with your second or more) and not picked him up and carried him so much or answered his cries promptly or taken the time to cuddle him to sleep each time (which funnily enough I do actually do with my second) then somehow my first baby could have been different. This seriously gives me the shits, not because I give two hoots about what others think of me but because it highlights just how freaking clueless many people are to what many mothers are going through each and every day raising their high needs babies copping nothing but pity, crappy advice and lip service from many around them. These women are freaking amazing. They are working their backsides off on F#%^ sleep. They are keeping their shit together and often kicking arse at this mothering gig. They don’t need pity. They need hugs, kudos, offers of dinner drop offs, babysitting, cups of tea and the chance to vent without judgement.  

    So, if you are someone who throws these lines out at either new mums or second/ more time mums, I ask you, to just not.

    Stop yourself.

    Your comment while maybe only asked conversationally, can be quite upsetting and unnecessarily so.

    Simply asking a mother how her baby is going and how she’s travelling and listening to her genuinely is all you need to do. She doesn’t want or need your opinion or advice. She just wants to be heard.
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    All the comfort you need sweet babe

    All the comfort you need sweet babe

    Comfort. 

    Comfort is something so very undervalued in our interactions with others in today’s society.  

    Comfort seems simple.

    But it’s not. To provide comfort takes time. It requires connection and and a level of intuition.

    Comfort cannot be fake.

    Both the comforter and comfortee need to accept the give and take.


    My precious first babe taught me just how much comfort one person can need.

    He taught me about the beauty and value in surrendering to another’s need for comfort.

    He knows that he has all the comfort he wants from me.

    I offer my comfort freely.

    There are no strings attached.

    My arms will always be open to him whether he be happy or sad, afraid or mad.

    As a babe, he needed me to comfort him at my breast. Day and night. He found comfort in my arms, on my chest, warm milk flowing as I hummed and sang to him. He slept right next to me from 6 months when I finally accepted his waking for comfort and nursing was a necessity not a problem to be fixed.

    As a toddler, he still finds great comfort in me. I remain his safe place.

    The time in my arms has greatly reduced as he blossoms and grows and still he returns whenever he needs.

    It warms my heart to realise that whatever distress, whatever the disquiet he comes to me. He may still cry. He may still rage. But my arms, my voice my presence brings the comfort. Slowly he calms. Gradually he relaxes. Eventually he finds his peace.

    This sweet babe of mine may be small but he knows about love. He knows how it feels to be able to depend on another. He knows that turning to someone when you are feeling bad brings comfort and peace not turning against them in spite.

    He will go out into this world knowing and feeling unconditional love.

    I may have days that are long. I may feel touched out. I may feel stretched too thin. But I will give that babe all the comfort he needs until my end of days because to bring him comfort brings me home. The look in his eyes when he sees me. The way they communicate the sadness, anger, frustration, hurt, joy, pain and excitement. The moment we connect. It’s just him and me. Our days of breastfeeding are over but the synchrony remains.

    It is an honour and privilege to be his mum.