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Accepting the Reality of Infant and Toddler Sleep

Imagine if we, as a society accepted normal infant and toddler sleep. 

I mean really accepted it, in all its glory. 

Every part of society, from every generation, every family, every profession, every community, every culture, every religion.

What if we knew and accepted it as expected and respected elements of a child’s development? 
What if everybody knew well before having their own children that their child would need night time parenting for the first few years of life? 
If everybody knew that waking frequently to nurse was the biologically normal way for an infant/ toddler human to sleep? 
If everybody knew that we are in fact ‘carry mammals’ and that our young require near constant contact with a caregiver for the first few months to continue their growth and development outside of the womb? 
If everybody knew that a baby’s and toddler’s sleep can fluctuate a lot  over the first couple of years as they grow and develop at a phenomenal rate? 
If everybody recognised that a baby’s and toddler’s need for comfort, closeness and nurturing at night is just as valid and important as their need for these things during the day? 
What if nobody doubted the value of night time parenting and wouldn’t even for a moment consider that they could trade it off so they could be a ‘better’ parent by day? 

We, as a society, would come at infant and toddler sleep from a whole other place than we do right now.

There’d be no sleep training and therefore no sleep training industry.

There would be less focus on the baby and their behaviour and more focus on the dyad as a dynamic pair and nurturing the nurturer.

There would be focus on all levels from family right through to the political sphere on the kinds of support families need to navigate this time in their lives.

Antenatal classes and Mums and Bubs groups would be all about helping mothers to build their support network and discovering options that will allow them to meet their baby’s needs while also meeting their own.

For mothers who are struggling with intense high needs babies, the support would recognise the extra level of challenge these mother face as they run the Ultra Marathon of her life and help put the supports in place that mother needs and deserves.

Mothers with mental health concerns would be nurtured and treated in ways that respect her child’s legitimate needs day and night.

Families making decisions about paid employment would do so with the full knowledge that their baby will still require night time parenting.

Wouldn’t the world look so different to the way it does right now.?


The stress, strain, struggle and sacrifices made all because so few people know and recognise what has always been and always will be the way our tiniest most vulnerable humans find sleep normally.

I was told that new and expecting mothers don’t want to know that babies continue waking for a couple of years. I was told I was scaring them unnecessarily and that it was the equivalent of telling horror birth stories to a pregnant mama as she prepared to birth.

I strongly disagree.

Knowing and accepting what IS likely to happen as your baby grows and develops is not a horror story. No one knows how your baby will find sleep in this world but one thing is for sure, they will need you and that is not something you need to fear. Instead of fear, it gives room to mentally, physically and practically prepare. It takes away the element of surprise. It removes the angst of ‘shouldn’t they be sleeping better yet?’, ‘why does my baby still wake?’

A birthing mother doesn’t need to hear every horrific tale of every horrific thing that may or may not happen to her. That does nothing to help her towards her own journey. But it equally does not help to tell her that it will be easy, straight forward and you practically just sneeze and the baby falls out without pain/ discomfort.

A pregnant or new mother does not need to hear every detail of every form of sleep torture she may or may not face in the years ahead with her child. But she equally doesn’t need to sprint to some arbitrary finish line that someone has told her and think that her child’s night-time needs will magically cease and her sleep will return to that of pre-baby.

Let’s be real. Let’s be honest and let’s give new parents the very best chance to set themselves up with realistic expectations for the early time in their child’s life where they will be needed just as much at night as they are by day.

I know this may seem like a pipe dream right now, but all it takes is for voices to rise. Mothers and babies of the future deserve better than what is offered up in mainstream society today.

When we know better, we can do better and so, for all of those in the know, it’s our turn to share our voice, speak our knowledge and share with all we can the truths of normal infant and toddler sleep.

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Looking at the ‘choices’ in the decision to sleep train- Part one: why I felt I had no choice

I know it doesn’t always feel like it, but there is always a choice not to sleep train. 

As an extremely sleep deprived, vulnerable, desperate first time mother with an extraordinarily wakeful baby, I sleep trained and I can say, hand on heart, I did not feel like I had any other choice.

I did not feel like there was any other choice.
I wasn’t told there was any other choice.
I wasn’t supported to consider any other choice.
I had no idea, there was any other choice.




For those who have never contemplated sleep training and never felt so backed into this corner, it can sound like a cop out and surrendering of responsibility to say, ‘I had no choice to sleep train.’ In a way it is. BUT, I wasn’t in the headspace then to realise this and I went into sleep training at my lowest ebb. I was in deep mental, emotional turmoil and I did not trust myself on any level anymore. I was convinced I was doing this mothering thing wrong and that the way I had been doing it was damaging my baby’s growth, development and wellbeing.

My world was a fog of confusion, anxiety, bad information, worry, stress and strain.

Today, I decided to write out just some of the strain I felt that lead into my decision to sleep train.

It’s fascinating for me now to see how if I just unpacked each one of these stressors and strains one at a time, there WERE indeed choices I could make that did not involve sleep training. But while they were all piled on top of me, while I was so very unwell and while ALL of the advice I was receiving from those around me was that I NEEDED to sleep train for both of our sakes, I could see only one path. One way to go. One solution.

My stressors fell into four categories-

1. My baby– oh my goodness! That baby! Oh how I adored him. The love of my life and an incredible piece of perfection. But holy wow, was he intense. I had never encountered a baby like him before. He seemed petrified by life outside the womb and allergic to the feeling of falling asleep. He was wide awake, his lungs were loud and strong and he demanded more care, nurturing, comfort and assistance to feel secure than any baby I had known. Being his mum was SO hard. Being his dad was SO hard. Nothing we did ever seemed to be enough. No amount of anything seemed to help him find calm for any length of time and all the things we had thought we had up our sleeve often yielded little in the way of ‘success’ and any success was often short lived and quite often that would be the one and only time it worked. We tried SO hard. We started off pretty relaxed thinking he just needed to settle into life outside the womb but when he grew more and more unsettled and we grew more and more tired and frustrated, we let the doubts any new parent would naturally feel, creep in.

  • What were we doing wrong?
  • Was there something we were missing?
  • We had quite a few people with babies of the same age and none of them seemed to be facing the problems we were, what did they have going on that we’d missed?

Once the questioning started, we commenced a slide. The slide away from trusting ourselves and trusting our baby. We began to look outside of our little family unit for ‘answers’.

We desperately wanted to get this right.

Right for us, as his mum and dad but more so, right for him. We didn’t want him unduly suffering at the hands of his ‘amateur’ parents. Nope, we wanted him to be a happy baby, who loved sleep so that he could grow and develop and love life.

The other thing that commenced was the advice and the explanations for what we should do to correct where we had gone wrong.

The information we received was damning.

We WERE doing it all wrong.

  • We didn’t follow a Feed-Play-Sleep routine and so we had allowed nursing to sleep to become a negative sleep association.
  • We didn’t place him down drowsy but awake, so naturally he was confused when he woke up somewhere else.
  • He couldn’t self- settle, no wonder he couldn’t link sleep cycles.
  • He often catnapped which of course meant he was perpetually overtired and didn’t we know that sleep promoted sleep.
  • It was official- our baby was a crap sleeper because we set him up to fail and let him ‘rule the roost’.

On top of this, we faced criticism that we were also making our baby anxious as he fed off our anxieties. Apparently, he would have been a calm, relaxed baby if only we were calmer and more relaxed. Can I just point out how much easier it is to be a relaxed, non anxious parent when you are parenting a baby who is not anxious?!? Also, how much easier it is to be less anxious when you don’t live with the anxiety that your anxiety is causing your baby’s anxiety? (Feeling confused or anxious just reading that sentence? Welcome to my head back in the day).

Then the appointment that sealed our fate … at my baby’s four month appointment at Child Health, we were told that he was chronically sleep deprived and it would be affecting his brain development.

Do you know how much hearing this broke me? There was nothing left in me to question this analysis / diagnosis.

This was my reality and I believed it as gospel truth. I had no reason to think this was a falsehood and so, as any caring mother would do, I laid all my feelings aside and agreed with the only ‘answer’ I had been offered: sleep training at Mother/ Baby unit as a matter of importance and urgency.

We received both a Medicare rebate and private health pay out… this was serious and legitimate. It was my baby’s health and wellbeing at stake.

I did not see it as a choice to consider, it was THE choice we HAD to make.

And so we did it.

I can easily tease each part of this tale apart and call BULLSHIT to each thing that lead up to it all now, but back then… well, I made the best decision I could with the knowledge and resources available to me at that time. I knew what I knew which is not what I know now. AND THAT IS OKAY! As the beautiful Emalitza from Raising Ziggy pointed out in her most recent blog piece, none of us come to this parenting gig knowing all there is to know and there is nothing wrong with that. It is for this exact reason we should approach all things parenting with an open heart and mind but also stay well aware that NOBODY has THE answer and that anyone selling a ‘fix’ may as well sell you snake oil.

2. The second part of the pressure and stress in my brain came from me and the new uncharted territory that is mothering and honour, privilege and humbling experience of being someone’s mum.

HOLY SHIT! It was a baptism of fire. I actually thought I’d be quite a natural at mothering. I’d always loved and wanted babies and children. I worked with primary aged children and loved nurturing the little people who entered my world. I loved pregnancy and was ever so excited to have my little person but then, I am also a perfectionist and a people pleaser. I have always strived to do things not only ‘right’ but also better than just good or okay. At university, a pass would not suffice, anything less than a distinction would see me angry with myself for not doing this, that or the other. In my personal relationships, I strive so hard to keep everyone happy and onside. I love being loved and can’t stand conflict or feeling that I have disappointed or let someone down.

I am hard work on myself.

My expectations for myself as a mother were ridiculously high. To this day, I swear that is why I was blessed with the little firecracker I received. He needed to come into my world to break this cycle. I needed to find new and better ways to feel good about myself and discover what is truly important in life and the endless push for perfection was never going to get me there.

But, the point all of this is I had an enormous weight of stress within me leading into the decision to sleep train. I was not in anyway comfortable in my new identity as mother and the lack of self belief and confidence was crushing. This doesn’t even consider how much worse all of this was when I was chronically sleep deprived myself.

I was a shell.

I was not capable of making well thought out decisions and I most certainly was not in the head space to consider that professionals who spend their whole working lives advising mothers and their babies, may be giving outdated or inappropriate advice and that if there were other options out there, why they wouldn’t also mention them.

I needed help and support.

I trusted their judgement ahead of my own.

As a new mum, I wholeheartedly believed I HAD to sleep train. I did not think I had a choice.

So the perfect storm was brewing- my baby’s wellbeing was at stake and I was failing at being the mother he needed.

3. The next piece of the puzzle was my relationship. My husband and I are a fabulous match and to this day, I would not want to do this life with another human but NOTHING tests your relationship as much as an unsettled baby, chronic sleep deprivation, feeling like you f#%^ing suck at parenting your kid and brewing mental health issues. Add in the fact that the baby in question won’t settle AT ALL for his dad, won’t take a bottle and screamed nonstop when daddy took him to give the Boob Lady a break. Just for fun, throw in hours of one of us being stuck in a darkened room trying different settling techniques to try and eek out the elusive sleep you’ve been told your kid needs. Oh and then when you get them down for the night after yet another marathon shitfight, clean the kitchen and plonk on the couch for 2 minutes only to hear said child wake with a howl and GROUNDHOG DAY/NIGHT, let’s jump on that merry-go-round again.

So much of the time my husband could not do a damn thing to relieve me of this relentless pressure and need. He felt like a useless, stressed out, third wheel as he watched me struggle with my feelings of resentment and jealousy of his freedom while we also mourned the relationship we had before THIS baby and the relationship we’d imagined he’d have with our baby, too.

He tried so damn hard.

He’d have given his bloody kidney to me if he’d thought it would have helped relieve the strain and so, upon hearing we were in fact screwing up our child, he also heartily supported the decision to sleep train. He was with me every step of the way.

He, too, felt we had no other choice. We could not keep living the hell we were in.

4. The final piece of the pie, comes from our lifestyle and the lifestyle expectations we had for ourselves and our family. We had no clue what was or wasn’t normal for a human baby when it came to sleep and all mainstream advice seemed to indicate we were perfectly reasonable to expect our baby would fall asleep on his own, in his own sleep space and that night feeds (the only ‘real’ reason your baby wakes at night) would decrease in a straight line over time to a point where we could categorically rule out his ‘need’ to wake and nurse.

We believed this was reasonable and so it became our expectation.

  • We expected to be sleep deprived and that we might struggle with other things in the immediate newborn period but we expected that it would end relatively soon after that.
  • We expected to be able to settle our baby to sleep if he was tired without too much fuss.
  • We expected we should be able to put him down for sleep.
  • We expected he’d sleep long enough for us to get other things done.
  • We expected that after some time in a basket by our bed that he’d transition to sleeping in a cot in his own room.
  • We expected to still find time in the evening for ‘us’ and that after a while, we’d be fine to arrange a sitter so we could go out in the evening as a couple once again.

We did not consider any of this to be unreasonable. We truly thought this was fair. And it was, for MOST of our friends and acquaintances, so why not for us?

Our child health Nurses, our GP, mainstream infant sleep books and sites all confirmed these expectations.

And under this net of expectations, we filtered OUR reality.

Our baby, his sleep, well they just didn’t measure up. There must have been something wrong. A problem to be fixed. A solution to be found.

The way he behaved was just so far removed from the ‘normal’ we’d been lead to expect, it was logical to us that this ‘Sleep Problem’ our child had would be impacting on him. How could he possibly be okay if he slept so much less and ‘worse’ than his peers who seemed to get a solid 12 hours each night and consolidated that with long, hearty naps each day?

We had no idea there were any other ways of managing this wakeful baby of ours but in light of these expectations we held, it is unsurprising that we could not for the life of us see WHY we should even consider accepting and adapting our life to match his ‘unhealthy’ and ‘problematic’ sleep patterns.

We didn’t give it more thought because we honestly didn’t think we should have to.

And so, the chronically sleep deprived baby who was suffering as a result of his inability to sleep alone, joined by the chronically sleep deprived, vulnerable first time, perfectionist mum, with the desperate to help, out of his depth dad, all wrapped up in mainstream society’s unrealistic view of infant sleep and the ways in which it is viewed and managed … we HAD to sleep train.


The weight, the pressure, the stress, the strain, the knowledge, the beliefs, the trust, the intentions all lead us there.

We own our experience.

We can see at every single turn how we came to our decision and as much as we can see now how utterly wrong we were, we made the best decision we could at that time.

My goal and possibly my life work will be to see a very real shift away from this feeling that mothers so often get, that they have no choice but to sleep train.

There is always a choice not to sleep train but how that choice looks, will be unique to each family.

Babies do not need sleep training. They know how to sleep. Society just does not like how it looks. It’s not tidy, it’s not straightforward, it’s cyclical and at times elusive. It’s not predictable and it doesn’t always allow the freedom and ease society likes it to have to allow the parents to get on with ‘more important’ work that isn’t the time spent helping their baby get the sleep they need in a manner that is normal for that baby.

We can and should do better. Our very tired mothers and their babies deserve to know their true choices.

Part two of this series will see me go into greater detail illustrating where my choices lay in my particular situation. Coming soon …

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Cutting to the chase when it comes to Sleep Trainer’s advertising

I love how the ABC’s show The Checkout dissects advertising to help people who are not trained in the area of marketing to recognise the tricks and smoke shields that have been employed to distract the audience while hammering home their true message. Sometimes it’s bleedingly obvious, other times, it’s subtle and hard to identify. One thing remains the same – they are trying to SELL you something. If they can’t get you or enough of your fellow potential customers to shell out, then they’ll be out of business.  

That does not mean that all businesses are sneaky or lack integrity. Businesses can be very honest and hold extremely high standards both in actual dealings with customers but also in their advertising. They may be clever with their advertising while not being sneaky. They may reach out to prospective clients without preying on them. But, even those businesses with the most outstanding moral code, would not deny (and shouldn’t deny because it is a business after all), that they are out to make a buck and any form of advertising needs to make back its own cost and generate extra business and money flow to make it worthwhile.

The sleep training industry and sleep training consultancies are no different.

Make no mistake, while they may genuinely believe they want to help you and your family, they also want your business.

I have seen an increasing number of sleep training business’ advertisements popping up on my Facebook newsfeed, which does not surprise me considering how many articles and conversations I have about infant sleep. Of course, Facebook has identified it as a potential ‘interest’ for me and so I bear the brunt of the same onslaught many new mothers would bear when they’ve been up googling, ‘why the f#%^ won’t my baby sleep?’ And I have to say, the marketing is particularly clever.

So often, I see advertisements and the posts attached that are claiming to be all so very open minded about whether sleep training is the right ‘choice’ for you and your family- offers of refunds, some partially accurate information on normal infant sleep (always with some kind of limitation on how long this behaviour is ‘normal’) and loads of, ‘if it’s working for you, great, keep going’ kind of talk.

What can look like these businesses have finally seen some sense and updated their advice against sleep training babies who are sleeping exactly as a human baby should, is actually a guise for a marketing tool that totally sucked me in while I was in my haze of sleep deprived exhaustion. It is a tool that makes you sound like they totally ‘get’ what it’s like to have a baby and to feel tired, and like they totally ‘get’ that waking is normal (to a point) and they even ‘get’ that some people may not want to ‘change’ anything and go a la naturale. Meanwhile, the kicker comes at the end in the sometimes subtle, other time not so subtle, ‘but if you want an out, we’ve got it!’ ‘ If you want to return to the magical land of sleep, step right this way!’ ‘If you change your mind and decide you want to train your child, I’ll be right here to hold your hand.’

That’s a very big kick in the guts that keeps on kicking for mothers who have been following their instincts and have been riddled with doubt with their wakeful baby, still wondering if this is something they should ‘just put up with’ or whether it can/ should be ‘fixed’.

Do you know how good those promises sound to an extremely vulnerable, completely exhausted mother who is living on struggle street day in night out?!? They sound like the magical freaking oasis you’d dream of after four days lost in the desert and you are out of your mind dehydrated and delirious.

No matter that what you get to drink at the end is basically freaking sand.

Oh hang on, but what about all the testimonials of how awesomely amazing and awesome and stuff this trainer Consultant person was/ is?!? They don’t sound like their throat is raw from drinking sand?!? What’s going on here?

Well, the failures like me most certainly sounded very hoarse, not to mention crushed and soul destroyed by the experience but as I’ve said before, we are the riff raff… most ‘success’ stories do sound like they’ve drunk some of the magic elixir and are full of praise and gushing with gratitude.

So am I just some bitter and twisted shrew? Surely if most of the clients finish happy then what’s the problem?

Well two problems really.

In the vast majority, (though not all), the baby being the other human client has been put through a huge amount of stress and trauma. You can break it down and call it short term, you can say it was worth it, you can dismiss it as ‘protesting’ but considering none of us can actually hear it from the baby’s mouth as they are too immature to be able to share their actual thoughts and experience here, I’m going to take the opportunity to offer an alternative to the narrative the sleep trainers and many of their successful clients will tell on behalf of the voiceless being in the picture. I strongly believe that if a baby undergoing sleep training could talk, they’d say, ‘I just want you Mummy. Please pick me up. Please hold me tight. I don’t feel good right now. I’m tired and scared. Why won’t you hold me mummy? I know you love me. Please pick me up mum, I’m tired.’

A baby does not need to be sleep trained. Ever. They know how to sleep, even if they need a huge amount of help to get to sleep and maintain it, they know how to sleep.

It is normal for a baby to wake and nurse frequently throughout the first year and beyond. A baby waking extremely frequently may very likely have underlying health issues that are exacerbating their normal wakeful behaviour. They do not need sleep training.

The second problem is the end product of a mother who now feels more ‘confident’ in how to mother her baby.

Now that doesn’t sound like a problem, that sounds like a good thing doesn’t it?!?

Yep, so glossy and good on the surface but so ugly underneath.

This faux ‘confidence’ has come at an expensive cost. This mother now feels she knows just the ‘right’ amount of response and comfort she should offer her baby.

Problem is, the only true answer to the ‘right’ amount of response and comfort can come from following her baby’s lead, not some regime or set of rules and limitations as set out by the sleep training consultant.

The mother went in thinking she had no idea how to settle or read her baby, sadly, despite what she thinks on exiting the program, she now knows even less.

And so, the dollars keep on rolling in.

The sleep training juggernaut continues to grow.

 Another happy, satisfied customer comes away with the sleep they were promised, along with the bonus of new found confidence and staunch belief that they, too should impart their new knowledge with mothers who cross their paths.

And so it goes.

And so it will sadly continue until we, who can see through the guise, can find our voices and unite to take a stand.

We need to first imagine a world that has moved beyond sleep training. A world that recognises and values a baby’s biologically normal sleep and nursing behaviours as expected and respected elements of development and in turn recognise, respect and honour the very real need for support for mothers as they make their way through this critical, though exhausting time in her life.

Our babies and mothers deserve better than to have companies profiting from this confusing and vulnerable time.

We can and should call for a change.

It’s high time we moved beyond sleep training.

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The 12 month itch- When will it get better?

The 12 month itch- When will it get better?


‘The first 6 weeks are the hardest, it’ll get easier after that.’ 

‘My babies all slept well after three months, the fourth trimester is such hard work. It will get better.’

‘6 months was the golden time for us. Introducing solids seemed to help a lot. It will get better.’

’12 months saw it get so much better for my guy. Something just clicked. It will get better.’

’18 months, our baby slept through for the first time! I promise, it will get better.’

‘At 2, our babe started toddling off to bed at nap time. It will get better.’

It will get better, it really will, but I remember clearly hearing all these arbitrary points in time being peddled out to me with my first and I used to have to really regroup as each of these ‘finish lines’ or ‘lights at the end of the sleep deprived tunnel’ passed without so much as a hint of my baby sleeping better.

Each time, I’d feel the doubts creep in. The frustration rise. The worries that it would always be so and WHEN would it end?!?

It’s funny that although this caused me much angst and frustration in my own experience, I catch myself promoting this kind of benchmark thinking both in real life and in my blog. I’ve had to ask myself why.

I’m thinking the reason we do this stems from a very good place. It comes from empathy, it comes from wanting to support mothers who are currently in the midst of this incredibly challenging weary time in our lives and wanting to be able to offer them some relief and encouragement. ‘This too shall pass’ is the mother’s mantra but never had I heard more frustrating words than hearing those words while I lived day in day out with the kind of sleep deprivation that can only be described as torture and with no light at the end of the tunnel, I swear I felt like I might just drown. And so, the kind hearted people around me who keenly felt my struggle and knew what I’d been through already with my little firecracker would try to offer me the comfort of an end point …

The end point they offer is all so relative to their own experience though and what they call ‘better’ is not necessarily what you or I would call ‘better’ and so the confusion, frustration and worry continues.

If so and so’s baby slept through from 3 months, why is our little treasure still waking every 2 hours?!’ Or ‘So and so’s baby slept through once he had crawling mastered. She’s been crawling for months now and still we can’t get more than 3 hours straight .’ Or ‘Mum said, that molars can be really rough on sleep, but he’s had his for a month now, what else is going on?!?’

Nothing is wrong with any of these statements per se, for some babies, there does seem to be a magical wand moment where ‘zipadeedee fidalee fa’ suddenly the sleep seems to settle. Teething, milestones such as crawling, walking and talking, separation anxiety, the incredible physical growth of our babies during the first 2 years or so of their life is remarkable and ever so disruptive to their sleep. BUT, it honestly does not help anyone to compare what one baby did and when their sleep improved and make any kind of assumption about your own child’s unique sleep pattern.

It’s unfair on them but also, it is ever so unfair on you.

YOUR baby couldn’t give a toss about what little Joe Blogs did after he mastered crawling, nor how easily he sprouted teeth without so much as a hiccup in the night.

THEY will ultimately decide when they are ready and physically able to sleep more easily and for longer stints at night.

My little Grubby Bubby turns 1 in a week and I can tell you how much ‘better’ his sleep is than it was as a newborn but I can also tell you how much ‘worse’ it is than when he was 3 months. I can tell you how much ‘better’ it is to be able to pop him down for his naps than it was for the months he only slept on my chest. I can tell you how much ‘better’ it is now he only needs 2 naps a day instead of 5. I can tell you how much ‘better’ he is to settle at night now with a quick boob and he rolls as far from me as he can. But I can also tell you that at his ‘worst’ he can wake every 40 minutes all night.

Overall, things ARE better, but at 12 months, after a full year of giving, I think many of us really thought we’d be further down the sleep track then we are. I know, I too wish it were so.

 But, I think at this time, it’s important to give pause. Yes, there is a candle on the cake that wasn’t there last month, but apart from that nothing has changed, no incredible birthday leap into independence occurred. Our baby may now be a toddler but they are still babies.

They have come such a long way, WE have come such a long way with them. Let’s not let our weariness overcome us.

They still need us as intensely as they did yesterday, they are still undergoing enormous physical and mental growth and they STILL only need us this intensely for such a short time in the grand picture of life.

Keep faith in your baby, keep faith in yourself.

You ARE getting there. Every settle, every nurse, every cuddle, every wake up is one less time your baby will need you so.

Let’s reset again, tired mama. Things WILL get better but this is the here and now. Focus on this time with your baby, they won’t always need you so. Xxx
Here are some articles to help you understand why your 12-24 month old may be still waking-

BellyBelly

Sarah Ockwell Smith

The Wonder Weeks

The Milk Meg

Pinky McKay

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The hard nights

The hard nights

Last night was a particularly bullshit night. Today I feel that old bone weary tiredness I used to live with daily. It seriously f#%^ing hurts. 

Last night, I said, ‘I can’t do this!’. ‘What’s wrong with your kid?’ I asked my husband. ‘I’m so over this. Just go the f#%^ to sleep.’ I told my poor baby. 

I felt so very sorry for myself and had all the, ‘you’ve done this to yourself, Carly.’ thoughts that featured so heavily with my first. 

Last night, my 11 month old seriously struggled with sleep. He was restless and unhappy. From 12-3, he could not settle. He wasn’t playing but he wasn’t asleep. He was sitting up, crawling around, moaning, on the boob, off the boob, on my chest, off my chest, on his side, on his back, sitting back up … rinse and repeat. 

Nothing was working. Nothing seemed to help. Panadol, cuddles, boob, cuddles, boob, cuddles, boob, different position. Rinse and repeat. 

I was SOOOOOOO ridiculously over it. I was tired. I was out of ideas. He still couldn’t settle. 

My husband took over for a little while so I could be untouched briefly. 

He still couldn’t settle. 

I took back over and after more of the same, he eventually flopped onto my chest one last time and slept. He slept and I slept. 

A couple of more wakings before dawn, but some boob and he was back to sleep. 

He woke cranky. Still tired. 

I woke cranky with sore nipples from his restless, rough nursing through the night. Still tired. 

My husband took him while he got ready for work and I got 20 minutes to myself. 

It was heavenly. 

It was all I needed to reset a little. 

I came out to the day, still bone achingly tired but with a clearer head. I had time to feel sorry for myself but also time to reflect on just how hard my poor baby struggled last night.  He was a mess. He needed me SOOOOO much. I couldn’t seem to fix whatever it was that was making him unsettled but I was there for him. I had his back. I may have grumbled and grouched but I was there for my little human who was having so much trouble in the night. 

I was there for him when he woke. I was there through his struggle and I was there when he finally found relief and sleep. 

I was there for him. 

He won’t always need me as intensely as he did last night. I may never know exactly why he struggled so much on this occasion but I will forever know that my very presence meant that he got through it with support, with trust and with love. 


I spent the night just wishing for morning. I hated the night one more time. He’s not even Wonder Weeking, this is meant to be our ‘sunny’ time. Nights like this bring out all of my insecurities and doubts. 

But, I will never get that time with my little man again. It is one less time he will find comfort in my arms or at my breast. It is one less time he will NEED me so. 

The bullshit nights are hard but I truly believe they also lay the foundation for our relationship with our babies for the rest of their lives. 

Hang in there tired mamas x

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‘Don’t tell me not to think I’m tired! I AM tired!’

‘Don’t tell me not to think I’m tired! I AM tired!’

I know you are tired, mama. Nobody denies you are sleep deprived.  
I have been criticised before for always including the tip to stop focusing on how tired you are, and have been told it is like telling a depressed person not be sad or a cancer patient that they aren’t sick.

But you see, the mind is a very powerful thing and you DO have the power to control your mind.

For me, if you are going to stand any chance of making it through the weary first years of life with our babies with any kind of happiness and fond memories, you are going to have to take your thoughts and mental well being in hand, particularly if you are blessed with a wakeful little person. Being able to shift your focus off your weariness is not to deny that you are tired, but to simply to tell your body and mind that it’s okay to be tired and that while you will do all you can to get yourself rest, it’s okay to think about other things.

Feel free to brush this off. If you think this is bullshit, go ahead and keep on telling yourself, ‘I’m so tired! I’m so exhausted! I can barely function, I’m so tired!’ And you just watch your body and mind fall into line. You will feel every ounce of weariness and tiredness and exhaustion that you focus your thoughts on and they will be amplified as you give those thoughts your full, undivided attention.

That’s how our mind and body work.

Just as you may have learned techniques to help refocus your energy and thoughts during labour and delivery to try and shift your mind away from the pain of contractions, you too, can employ similar tactics to help you combat your tiredness.

Just as a person with depression or anxiety may be taught mindfulness or techniques such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy that assist that person to manage their thoughts and feelings and take the unhealthy feelings in hand and recast them in a healthier light.

Just as a person who has cancer can acknowledge their illness and the challenges and trauma of the journey ahead while still focussing their energies on positivity and potential, you can CHOOSE to shift and control your focus.

***As a side note- being sleep deprived is not in anyway comparable to the experience of cancer. I am merely alluding to the effect the mind can have on challenging experiences in life and not trying to diminish the all encompassing experience that is cancer. ***

In my experience as a mother of a wakeful child, I lived the first 6 months as an anxious, depressed, wallower.

I wallowed in my weariness. I lamented my lost sleep. I bemoaned my child’s waking. I stressed and worried about my broken, disrupted night’s sleep.

I calculated how many minutes or hours until he may next wake, I calculated how long I’d been awake. I calculated how long it was taking me to get to sleep. I calculated how much sleep I’d not had.

My calculations always equalled exactly the same amount = I AM SO F#%^ing exhausted, I feel like death warmed up! This child is going to kill me!!!

Now if you go about your day with this awful algorithm dominating your every thought and you live in this never ending Pity Party mode, I can tell you firsthand, you are going to be the most miserable, depressed, shell of a person and mother.

But this algorithm is lying to you! This set of calculations tells you that you cannot enjoy motherhood or life as you know it as long as you have a wakeful child and as long as you remain sleep deprived! The good news is, THIS IS NOT TRUE!

These sad and sorry calculations only take in one part, albeit an important part, of your life that is sleep. There is more to life and your beautiful, wakeful baby than how much sleep you are or are not getting!

Accepting that you are going to have disrupted sleep and that you will need to work out how to get the best quality sleep and rest you can to handle these very normal night time behaviours of your baby can take a huge weight off your shoulders and allow you the breathing and mind space to think of something other than sleep.

Some days it will still get you. I had one such day last week. No amount of mind shifting and refocusing could deny it.

I was exhausted.

This is not only normal but also I think an excellent protective factor your body is demonstrating. Your body will tell you when enough is enough. The mindfulness and distractions only work when your body is able to cope and then when it really does warrant your attention, it let’s you know in no uncertain terms that your weariness DOES require your full attention.

On that day for me last week, I slept during the day for the first time in months. My body ordered me to take the opportunity as a matter of urgency. I felt about 3 billion times better even though it was only a 20 minute kip. I found that the moment I woke, the weight had lifted again. I could do it all again. I could think of other things and get on with my day. Sleep deprivation in tow but not as an anchor holding me back.

The mind is a powerful thing, mamas. Where is your focus right now?

Acknowledge that weariness, honour your opportunities for rest and focus on all that is good in your world.

You will have endless years to catch up on lost sleep in the future. Right now, your baby needs you intensely both day and night. Focus on meeting them at their point of need. You are doing marvellous things for that child of yours.

Chin up tired mama xxx

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Surrendering to your baby’s sleep needs is not about becoming stagnant

It seems lately, I am hearing the ‘so we just have to suck it up?!?’ Or ‘so it’s just a matter of ‘wait it out’, there’s nothing I can do?’ queries more frequently and I think that maybe it’s because there is a misconception about the idea that ‘surrendering’ to your baby’s needs somehow means throwing your hands in the air and all is lost as you dig down deeper into the trenches of sleep deprivation and you just have to suck it up while you wait until your baby is 5, maybe 10 or at least before they head off to University. 

It seems to be attached to a feeling of helplessness.  

My own experience of surrender did involve a momentary stop and take stock element where I worked out what the hell my baby actually did need from me and it did at times feel like I was up to my nostrils in mud trying to keep my head down in the trenches as I pulled my weary body through yet another shitty patch of 20-40min sleep hell.

But as I’ve made it much further through my journey, I can now see that surrender is far from static.

Surrender is malleable and responsive, although it is a particularly slow moving beast who moves in an unpredictable pattern governed by your unique baby and your unique family.

Surrender is all about not fighting or swimming against the tide. It’s about finding comfort and a higher level of trust in the natural current and going with the flow, even when you hit some heavy rapids and you feel completely washed out.


If you have just found your surrender and have just accepted that this is where your baby is at right now and they need you every bit as intensely as they do right now. You are accepting the here and now. This is not forever.

As you follow your baby’s lead, you will find gradual changes will naturally occur or windows of opportunity will open up where you can gently encourage minor adjustments to keep things ticking along for you all.

  • The baby who only sleeps on your chest, will one day allow you to put them down or lay next to you instead of on you.
  • The baby who never sleeps more than 20 minutes in their cot but then has 2 hours on your chest after being picked up, will one day bust out a 1.5hour sleep in their cot or on your bed as you roll away like a stealth ninja.
  • The baby who has only ever slept while there is a boob in their mouth may be gently night weaned once they reach an age where they understand what is going on.
  • The baby who has needed to be rocked to sleep, may one day accept rocking in the rocking chair, then simply sitting and cuddling and then one day, they may be happy just to hold your hand as they drift off to sleep.
  • The baby who only sleeps during the day while snuggled up tight in a carrier, will one day transfer.

These are but a few examples of what I mean. There is nothing to fear in surrendering to the here and now. Nothing in surrender will be set in stone.

It is also a perfectly normal part of the mother-baby relationship that at times, you will feel at odds. Your baby will need more from you in a way you wish they didn’t. Sometimes, it is all we can do to accept this mismatch, but at other times, we CAN make changes to regain the balance in both the mother and baby’s favour.

I have two examples of this-

1. I chose to night wean my 15 month old as I was 5 months pregnant and had severe breastfeeding aversion and he was wanting to nurse hourly around the clock. The nursing was making me feel physically ill and my skin crawled. My toes would curl, my teeth clench and my hands bunched into fists. I had to fight against the urge to throw him off me, each and every time he nursed. It was KILLING my relationship with him. He needed my comfort. I respected that. I did not deny he needed me. I simply could not keep meeting those needs through nursing anymore. It was an undeniably hard time for him but he was cuddled, sung to, reassured and continued to sleep with us in our bed. He was not alone through this change. I still met his needs for comfort and reassurance as he continued to wake at least every couple of hours, but no longer through breastfeeding. Our relationship was restored and was as strong as ever.

2. By the time my guy was 2, he was horrible to have in our bed. He was restless and extremely rough in his sleep. Hitting, kicking, thumping. Things really came to a head when my husband copped a heel to the privates more than once in the night and he told me he couldn’t do it anymore and went to the spare room. When we talked it over, we both agreed that he wasn’t yet ready to spend a full night in his room (he starts the night there but always migrates sometime around midnight), but we needed him out of the bed. We decided to buy him a lovely comfy single mattress and add it to our King size floor mattress. I made a bit of a fuss with him about picking a new quilt set for it and he and I practiced laying on it so he knew exactly where I was and how he could still reach out and touch me and hold my hand but he could also roll and thump and kick around with hurting anyone. It worked a treat.

My major tip with these kinds of changes is to be wary of making them unnecessarily if your child does not seem ready. Your baby is the best gauge of whether what you imagined should be the plan is in fact a good match or not. If they are ready, changes should be pretty uneventful- more a natural step forward than some momentous jump.

Never be afraid to take a step back if your baby seems stressed or you feel stressed. Both are reactions that deserve recognition.

Not being ready now, does not mean they won’t be ready ever.

Keep things in perspective. Our babies are biologically designed to grow more independent with sleep over the first few years of life … This process is not one where you look for development and growth every other day or even weeks. Look over months and years and you will see a beautiful progression.

Surrender to now, knowing that it is just for now. There is no long term with babies. You have not entered the twilight zone.

Surrender is a great way to allow you to take sleep out of sharp focus. When you stop zoning in on all the unhelpful details of your baby’s sleep, you open and free your mind to take in everything else that is going on in your baby’s world and indeed your own life.

So yes, surrender but don’t stagnate. Embrace the flow and trust the ride. You will make it out the other end. You really will.

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