You don’t have to do this.
You can stop anytime.
Your baby will be okay.
You will be okay.
I know how tired you are, I’ve been that tired, too.
I know how desperate you are, I’ve been that desperate, too.
I know you adore your baby and only want the very best for them.
You have to do what feels right for you and your family but I’m here if you want out.
I’m here if you need an out.
You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to or if it hurts your heart.
I’m here. You aren’t in this alone.
Again, this morning, I read a thread on a fabulous group I’m in, where a mother was in deep distress after reading a relay of posts and comments on a dear friend’s page as she sleep trained her baby. The baby had cried so hard he’d lost his voice. The mother was struggling but she had many rallying voices telling her to ‘stay strong’ and indicating her baby was manipulating her.
The mother in my group was heartbroken but didn’t know what to say.
She didn’t want to interfere. Didn’t want to seem like she was judging. She ended up hiding the post. She could bare no more.
Many people on the page supported her on this.
Best to leave it.
Then there was the usual comments of ‘I don’t know how you could ever … I could never.’
And then … some comments appeared about perhaps reaching out to this mama. Perhaps sending a PM or if she was nearby, catching up for a cuppa.
Suggestions that maybe she was only doing it because she thought she had to, because the only voices she could hear supported sleep training.
Perhaps she had never been told she didn’t have to do it.
THIS is key.
Sure, we all make our own choices based on what we feel is right for our family but we also make our mind up about what choices we have from the models of parenting around us.
In a world so supportive of all things baby training, of course sleep training is normal.
In a world that has so little knowledge of normal infant sleep patterns, a world with so little understanding of how to promote and support mothers to continue breastfeeding, in a world hell bent on getting mothers to ‘bounce back’ and resume work as soon as possible and make her baby as independent as she possibly can, it is little wonder that many families see sleep training as something you just end up doing. Something everyone has to do. Something their baby needs.
But it’s not.
Yes, it does ‘work’ for many but at what cost?
For those, like me, who it didn’t work for, it can be an incredibly traumatic experience and in the end, my midwife was the one who gave me the ‘out’ I desperately needed.
She was the one who said, ‘you know, you don’t actually have to do this, don’t you?’
In all honesty, no, I didn’t know I didn’t have to.
I needed her clear head. Her understanding. Her bravery to speak up for me.
She called me back.
She helped me see an option where I felt there was no option before.
I didn’t need more rallying cries.
I needed someone to reach out to me and tell me we would be okay without sleep training.
So please, if you truly wish to see change in the way we manage this weary season in mother’s lives, don’t turn inward. You don’t necessarily need to engage publicly. You may not be well received every time.
But, my goodness, if you can reach but one mother, and help her see her true choices … you’ve done more good then you ever would from staying silent.
Reach out with empathy, love and compassion.
Reach out with an alternative.
Simply knowing she’s not alone in this may be all that is needed.
Empathy, love, compassion.
Mothers and mothering matters.
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